At A Moments Notice...

Sometimes shit just happens. And um, even though I'm used to it I still cringe whenever it does.

Take an example from a few weeks ago when Wood visited the NY. He, sdot and I headed off to the city to catch Tim'm at a speaking engagement. I debated whether or not I should drive as it is always a struggle finding parking anywhere south of 96th Street in Manhattan. But I figured what the hell...I'd find something and, I did. Almost immediately; but then came the hard part. For those of you who live in NY, have visited, or have taken the time to notice, parking regulation signs here are all together confusing. Where in most cities the signs simply read No Parking for whatever specified reason or time, here it's more like solving an algebraic problem (i.e., No Parking 9AM - 5PM Mon, Tue, Wed, Except Wed 4PM - 7PM Or Tue. 3PM - 9PM Or Mon 9AM - 10PM). So, we find a space, figure out the square root of x and proceed to our function. When we return hours later I'm surprised to find my car alone on a once populated street with a bright orange one hundred and fifteen dollar ticket attached to it. Confused Wood snaps a picture while Sdot and I diligently break down the sign. After about ten minutes we finally get it, we fucked up and as a result, shit happens.

I could sit here and type out a couple thousand situations just like that where I felt vicitimized by the shit happening to me or around me. Situations that always seemed to leave me feeling frustrated and bitter and angry with life and my insatiable love affair with bad luck. I mean because even though I don't often admit it (consciously at least) its sexy being the victim. Its sexy recounting the events of a horrible mishap and having those you love feel for you...understand you...comfort you. It's sexy and addictive and--and--undeniably human. We all want to be heard, felt and understood. And what better way to achieve that than through a tragedy?

Still, I can't help but wonder if we consiously withhold vital information? Information that could possibly connect us to the mishap clearly pointing out B happened as a result of A. Hmmm...

Why am I going on this tangent? Yesterday my laptop crashed. For my fellow writers/bloggers/entrepeneurs an event like this can crush the spirit. My laptop is my life. It is the vehicle I depend on to bring my gift to the world--and without it I'm like, lost. Since, I haven't been able to think of anything but the countless documents, e-mails, stories, blurbs, photographs, ideas, etc., I might have lost. Thankfully a few months ago I purchased an external hardrive and had begun to back-up my info, but as I'm sure some of you know developing and maintaining new habbits is well, difficult at best. I'm sure it's been well over a month since I backed up anything. And though this sucks to high hell, I can't help but think of all the warning signs my computer gave me before conking out. You would think I'd do something, like maybe---I don't know---backing up the shit immediately and calling tech support for help? I mean isn't that what you're supposed to do? Take your car for example, if the shit shuts off like three times while you're driving, wouldn't you think "hey, I'd better get this checked out..." instead of restarting it and continuing on as if nothing happened? The warning signs were there...and I chose to ignore them.

So, though every square inch of my being is begging for it, there will be no sympathy for me. Because shit happens, and sometimes I'm to blame.

1. Celebrating the news my book was the #2 best seller of 2004 at Outwrite Books in Atanta, Georgia. And learning they displayed mine over the #1 spot! Can you say cheese? A brother is smiling bright and wide! Thank you Atlanta!

2. Knee deep into what will become my second novel and loving every friggin’ moment of it! I’m amazed at my ability to get caught up in my own little world. The characters are addictive and real and complicated and human and honest. I actually told someone the other day this is probably the best thing to come out of me. Word.

3. Re-thinking and re-doing the marketing plan of my first novel “I’m On My Way” now that it is officially under my own publishing company, which is kind of fun. It’s kind of amazing how many new ideas can spring from an old well.

4. Preparing to spend the weekend upstate New York at this year’s Winter Explosion. Last year was a lot of fun. Hopefully this year will be too.

5. Getting the final pieces together for a play I will produce this year. It was written by an up and coming playwright who will undoubtedly change the game. More on that later, including a casting call.

6. Planning my birthday party. Though I haven’t officially put together a guest list or an invite I have a feeling this year’s jump-off will be one to remember. I'm feeling a warm personal vibe this year...

7. Taking a volley ball class—don’t ask, just know it’s actually kind of fun.

8. Loving my Dell Digital Jukebox! Who would have thought music could consume me again? MP3 players rule!

9. Trying to figure out how I can live without the titles people love placing on each other, which is a difficult task at best. Still I am determined to find a way.

10. Seriously wondering if I can stomach attending church after almost six years of exile with all the anti-homosexual rhetoric going on nowadays. Part of me seriously wants the fellowship but then I just know the moment some bullshit exits the mouth of a less than perfect human propped up on a plastic soap box, I’m going to flip.

11. Falling in love with Alicia Keys and her hypnotic single If I Ain’t Got You. (Wasn't her Grammy performance off the friggin' chain?) Shit, I could write a whole novel just listening to that song. Couldn’t you?

12. Believe it or not, I have begun to leave my armored shelter. I’ve actually reached out to friends I haven’t spoken to in a month of Sundays and re-established possible friendships. After all love is an action word right?

13. Trying not to let the idea that Black History Month is a ruse get me down. Is it me or do the advertisers celebrate it the very first week and like many Black folks chuck it to the side the very next?

Just when you think our goverment officials have too much to do, they always somehow find a way to remind us just how little they actually do. This report came to me via e-mail a minute ago and I couldn't help but post it. I can't believe this shit! If you or anybody you know happens to live in Virginia, or plan on visiting the state be sure to give them a heads up!

Wednesday, February 9, 2005 | RICHMOND, Virginia (AP) -- Virginians who wear their pants so low their underwear shows may want to think about investing in a stronger belt.

The state's House of Delegates passed a bill Tuesday authorizing a $50 fine for anyone who displays his or her underpants in a "lewd or indecent manner".

Del. Lionell Spruill Sr., a Democrat who opposed the bill, had pleaded with his colleagues to remember their own youthful fashion follies.

During an extended monologue Monday, he talked about how they dressed or wore their hair in their teens. On Tuesday, he said the measure was an unconstitutional attack on young blacks that would force parents to take off work to accompany their children to court just for making a fashion statement.

"This is a foolish bill, Mr. Speaker, because it will hurt so many," Spruill said before the measure was approved 60-34. It now goes to the state Senate.

The bill's sponsor, Del. Algie T. Howell, has said constituents were offended by the exposed underwear. He did not speak on the floor Tuesday.

Spruill and Howell, also a Democrat, are both black.

"I hold no grudge. There’s no resentment underneath. I’ll extend the laurel wreath and we’ll be friends, but right there is where it ends..." ~Nina Simone, I Hold No Grudge

I like to think of myself as progressive. I also like to believe I can do anything if I truly put my mind to it. But when it comes to forgiveness man...it all seems to fall apart. I’m not saying I can’t forgive, or that I haven’t forgiven in the past, because I have. But then there are those situations when the injustices are so great forgiveness becomes well, improbable. And if one is able to forgive the likelihood of forgetting or moving beyond the pain associated with the act is often impossible. This, is where I find myself, stuck somewhere between forgiveness and the complicated task of forgetting.

Uncomfortable, uncomfortable, uncomfortable. For me and all those involved. I know holding onto the pain only prolongs its effects. I realize reliving the moment—the incident—over and over again only puts me right back in the thick of it. I know this, and yet I continuously find myself there, remembering, reflecting, and hurting—like it’s the first time all over again.

Luke 6:37 says "Forgive and you will be forgiven."

Mother Teresa says, "Go behind the apparent circumstances of the situation and locate the love in yourself, and all others involved in the situation."

My question is: How do you do this and move beyond the situation, if you find it increasingly difficult to forget the frustrations associated with the situation?

"The road is long, with many a winding turns that leads us to who knows where but, I am strong..." ~Donny Hathaway, He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother

I'm there again. Burning that midnight oil. Tapping away at my laptop creating a world I'd much rather live in than my own. Though I write practically everyday it is on special days like this that I really appreciate the opportunity to escape. Back when I was stuffed behind a desk in good ole' corporate america, I used to dream about waking, stumbling from my bed to my desk and pecking away. I like knowing I'm finally there.

The hardest part? Staying focused. With all the need to do's, must do's, and do I really have to do's, its hard to keep my mind on the characters and their wants and needs. Thankfully they're patient with me, giving me the time I need to run to the post office, return phone calls and/or surf the net. In turn I give them the life they deserve. The one I sometimes wish I had...

But I'm getting there, case in point: Monday night while traveling via subway to see the super talented Tim'm West and the incomparable ButtaFlySoul perform [more on that in a future post] I had a moment. One of those moments you hate having in public. I was sitting there listing to my newest playlist, "Can We Get It Together?" when U Will Know began to bump through my earphones. You remember that song right? From Jason's Lyric? Well like I said I was sitting there, just chilling when Tevin and the others began to sing...

"When I was a young boy, I had visions of fame. They were wild and they were free, and they were blessed with my name. And then I grew older and I saw what’s to see...that the world is full of pain, and my dreams they left me..."

Before I knew it--and this I kid you not--the waterworks were going off. Why? Because those lyrics hit right to the core of what I've been feeling lately. I sat there for a moment like whoa, niggah you're crying! On the fucking A train! What the hell is wrong with you? But as the song progressed, so did my feelings. Shit gets hard man, real hard when you're moving from point A to point B. Especially when you feel like you're going it alone. And so I felt those brothers, with my whole heart and it seemed miraculously, that they felt me too...

As I grew into the song I noticed a young, seemingly progressive couple, sitting across from me watching in wonder. I started to rid my face of the tears but instantly decided against it. Instead, I shut my eyes and allowed the water and the lyrics to cleanse my polluted mind. Three stops later I left the train a changed man, thankful for the divine insight D'Angelo allowed to flow through him as he penned the song, thankful for the voices he used to bring it to life, and overjoyed at my ability to cry openly and freely without guilt.

Damn man, this is shaping up to be a good year!